fuqabortion

The furthest your throat can sink before you vomit.

2008-02-13T07:55:51Z

You finally meet this fate, the future. You find your job, your apartment or house if you are lucky enough. Then the realization comes that you still have a future, and this time it isn't your present. You call out to the giraffes and the polar bears that haunt the peaks of your Curly hair. Faith seemed to have been found because we honestly believed that praying would bring salvation.

It's unfair that you recently found out that salvation is limited and eventually we wont even become corpses, we'll be packaged and fed as a new fast food chain. This isn't a cry for redemption, but rather a reality check. For myself mostly, I have been known to frequent such bloody places. The places where the hate is stronger than the work ethic and the smiles are always free.

We eventually arrive at a grave, from here we are done. We no longer have reason to mitigate feeling, because all feeling will sink out of our bodies. We will become terrain, the pictures you see in the frames of the films you shoot, in the corner of the photograph you take, in the discording melody that leads your new musical masterpiece.

This isn't the end, remember there is always a future for everything.

fuqabortion @ 2007-10-02T02:58:00

2007-10-02T10:03:15Z

No really, I don't do anything important.

Go away.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-30T03:33:00

2007-09-30T10:38:31Z

In case you ever wanted to kill yourself, my new moss ice album is for you.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-17T17:03:00

2007-09-18T00:08:09Z

supper bummed and I don't know how to stop it!

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-13T16:07:00

2007-09-13T23:14:25Z

I told Matthew i want to try dating. No response.

I got hit on on the bus today, "Do you go to _____ (Gay bar)? I've seen you before!" And then he further began to talk about whatever while I just kind of smiled.

It's really warm out today and my stomach hurts so badly, but I did finish my biochemistry homework which makes me happy.

Friday night is nicole's birthday party, and I wanted to bring a date, but i'm not.

I guess dating isn't something you can want, it just happens, usually with assholes who don't respect you at all! WOO!

this livejournal is getting shallow and i'm sure i'll delete it soon enough because it's sounding pretentious and deserving.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-11T00:45:00

2007-09-11T07:49:08Z

There isn't a better way to say anything about life than to use metaphors about puppies, nature, and math. Most people understand these topics, and don't argue that they can be as desirable as happiness. The only downfall we constantly find is the need to apply them to our lives.

There are so many people who have roots so deep, and I know that it's going to be so hard for them to better themselves. Some of us have unrooted and found a way to re plant ourselves somewhere else. That doesn't make the few of us better than anyone who is rooted, it just makes us available for change, for hopefully something greater.

I crave greater, and plan to get there-- it just takes time.

I don't want to fear what i've missed in this lifetime.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-10T00:19:00

2007-09-10T07:25:44Z

I've got some sort of idea that springs from my heels and attacks from my hands. Instruments feed this heated debate with anger and emotion, slowness and sharpness. I lack the creativity of an artist, but am packed with the understanding of a lost soul.

I'm tired of the earth rotating. It's time to revolutionize living.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-09T16:15:00

2007-09-09T23:21:40Z

Change is happening soon!

Okay lets take a vote.

2007-09-09T01:06:29Z

This is my new internerd crush. He's hot as fuck and actually lives here in chandler.

I mean I don't know if he's dumb as a rock because I don't know him yet.

Yes I move on fast, because i'm getting old.

found grey hair one today. oh my scholarship was renewed, awesome.

wait lets find a hot shirtless pic.... I mean just in case you wanna masturbate to the guy I will hopefully be fucking.

god i'm awesome.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-07T04:33:00

2007-09-07T11:34:10Z

Nothing has changed, as expected. We're still here and still working so hard. Our tiny fingers can't turn any more pages so we scroll a mouse.

I'm too tired to understand sleep, but too tired to fall asleep as well.

ENOUGH.

When sleep evades your privacy.

2007-09-06T11:20:13Z

I figured it's best to come to safe places like these when you're unsure of what is right and wrong. It's this blank screen that sends me back to my youth when Travis was sitting next to me listening to slipknot and I was talking to Tiffany on the phone setting up my first livejournal. When things were so much easier, yet seemed so much more complicated. I'm baffled by the ringing in my ears, I keep hearing these shouts of unhappiness and I personally don't know how to appease the cries anymore. I feel solidified when I think about some non-existing future.

I recall this great feeling of emotion and love that I once wished I didn't feel. I don't feel it anymore, and I morn this loss. I lack any feeling of expression. I feel mundane from my finger tips, to my small toes. I feel hopeless in this ever changing world, I don't feel like I have a grasp on everything I need to do. I've been taking things with a very serious demeanor, but I don't think I really understand anything that is happening around me. I almost feel like I'm in some simple television show or movie, and as I lay in bed with tears the camera will in a circular motion move out while some neutral milk hotel song starts playing under the film's breath.

I don't know if it bothers me more that I feel like i'm lacking any sort of character or that I don't lust for anything but material possessions. I don't even have anything on my "list" that I want or need, but I have this growing debt and hungry stomach. I eat enough cigarettes to feed an entire friday night at your typical bar or club. And I'm still old. I didn't lose any time, I still have shaking hands at the end of my cigarette. The most disturbing part is that none of this change feels like strength. I don't feel like life has been teaching me much at all, or if it is i'm missing the point.

My mouth is continuously dry and my hands are still filthy from the day's work. I feel like i'm not living an adventure anymore, that each day has become more and more predictable. I want to fall in love with someone who will introduce new adventures often. I want to explore places I never thought of. I want to climb to the top of mountains and sing songs about a misled son and an alcoholic grandparent. Things I don't quite understand, but sound like beauty and adventure.

The scariest part is that I think i'm doing everything I want to be doing, and then some. At the same time it feels as though life has been caught in some sort of stagnate. As though my molecules have slowed down and rejected any sort of energy I throw into it. Did humans reach their next evolutionary step? Have we all just become sad beings that smell coffee in the morning and vodka breath caught in pillows and sheets? Do we even have any sort of meaning in this place, this place where the sun sets on empty eyes and opens a new day before the last one has officially finished?

Are we all so sad here? Do we all escape in the same manor? Does anyone really feel anything anymore?

I need to escape, without drugs, without love, without status, I need to escape to something new. A brand new place, where feet haven't built roads, and cars haven't built shopping malls, and boutiques haven't bought souls, and music isn't built with such ambiguous feeling.

I need a place that is fresh, inviting, understanding but rejecting. I need to feel like I'm doing something to get passed the politics of college and the work force. I need to find focus on something else. Something new, something understanding.

I crave this change, but rarely do I ever spout it out sober, nor do I ever take any reigns over this situation. I just grab them and start crying when I sing "In love with love and lousy poetry." I remember when it was so easy to make decisions because the end result held some sort of consiquence. Now every action feels like it's lacking a reaction, and every decision feels monotomous.

I'm not hungry, i'm just tired. I'm really tired, all the time. I don't know if I dream of these made up places or not but I finally understand why people love television. It shows us this story of what our life could have been. When we watch harry potter we were "wizards" or witches on brooms that speed between beautiful landscapes full of green grass and fog. When we watch queer as folk we're sexy gay men who go out and do drugs and make it to work on time for a lunch meeting with all of our best friends. When we watch sex and the city, we're in love, and not just in love with love, but in love with someone, or something important. When we watch project runway we're creative, and our fingers are tired because we've worked so hard to create something new.

Alas when we hit stop, or turn the television off we're still us. That's the most depressing part of television.

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-03T17:05:00

2007-09-04T00:06:10Z

oh my head is spinning, so much to do. I don't want it. I don't want it!

fuqabortion @ 2007-09-01T14:25:00

2007-09-01T21:31:18Z

So I've had a lot of time pass and a lot of amazing things have been lining up for me. I'm currently DJing in the "new" cool hot spot, I got great dj equipment, i am getting a new laptop, and desktop, and my classes/work is going awesome.

I do still feel behind in school, but i'm not really, I understand the material better than most of my classmates, and I feel a strong grasp on what I know. I've now got my first boyfriend, and he's a nice guy. I don't know him REALLY well yet, but we're getting to know eachother. He wants to love me and wants me to succeed. He also doesn't take up all of my time, which I like. I see him once or twice a week, and thats it.

The waves have hit the shore, and i'm waiting for the moon to take back the tide. There isn't a sun in this vast sky and the stars seem so bright but they're so far away. I still smoke too many cigarettes and the smoke often makes me a ring halo, or horns. I never can tell the difference.

I'm still focusing on being as positive as I possibly can.

This is a real update, not a metaphorical one.

fuqabortion @ 2007-08-25T04:36:00

2007-08-25T11:37:51Z

This night bleed itself from some sort of concussion. The sounds were all off and the people were all gone. I saw bodies on the floor, and old friends arms. I d-don't know if i'm forgiving enough.

I need some more time to focus and the ability to breathe under such tough conditions.

Take your time, it's all you have was my line of the night.

and so.

2007-08-20T00:46:50Z

Afterwards he smiled, and let out a sigh of relief. He stopped speaking in a belittling manor and then began to set a frame full of praise.No one seemed to take him seriously as though he was drunk off of the chemicals of lust. He just laid there, grasping his partner with all of his strength and will. He said things that made him seem caring, and normal.

I did not fall for these things though. I knew it was just that he felt satisfied and that when he said that i'm "his boy" he means he felt comfortable. I still don't really want to believe that anything of the such matters, and I still don't know him. I've tasted his skin, and his lips, but I haven't tasted his anger, his fear, his insecurities. There was some sort of disappointment looming in my head, it could have had nothing to do with "us" or even the idea of dating. I think it was more along the lines of self worth, and comparison to what i've known before. It wasn't that the lust was bad, or that he didn't hold me right, or that he didn't mean anything he said. I just know that I have a lot that I want to accomplish and I want to share that growth with someone. I don't know if he's really ready for that.

It isn't that.

2007-08-17T22:55:26Z

There is something strange about my knees, they shiver from the heat and pressure produced by an overwhelming sun shine that targets every single small joint that it can. The world is returning to it's original circulation. Sam has moved home with amanda, and both of them still look like models. Jonny has quit world of warcraft again (or so he says), Jeff hasn't quit world of warcraft and i've been working 14 hour days. I have decided the best way to spend my money is on material items, like music creation things, or clothes.

I've got this silly idea that whenever I write music, good or bad, I let out some heavy burden off of my shoulders that makes me almost feel angelic. I've made my bed then ruined it. That isn't lacking material at this time of year. It's that awkward heat wave followed by dust storm and a little bit of wet air that makes everyone anxious and knowledgeable of change in time. I look back 7 months to even a year back, when I got to close my eyes and still be around loved ones. Now time almost seems corrupt, and i'm not quite sure how to justify my yearning for success. I take things out of context many times, and I bury myself in falsified issues. My tongue is still sore from spicy foods and my head is still tired from sleeping pills taken 16 hours ago. I find myself smoking less cigarettes and just playing with my zippo lighter. I more often than not find myself looking at crowds of similar people, with this leveled demeanor.

I'm contingent on the idea of working 2 jobs and taking 17 credit hours. I think it will be okay, I mean everyone works hard and everyone has meaning in their lives. My meaning may have to be my work and school until i'm finished. I really want to take a year off and start and industry chemistry job that would help me aquire a greater skill to question "why" things happen which would further take me into my thesis of how humans destroy nature which has this bitter bite back at destroying ourselves.

Maybe that is too poetic and general for a science field, and maybe I myself don't even understand the environment. I often times find myself in a familiar place, but feeling different. For example, the gay bar named charlies. I celebrated my 21st birthday there for a little while and when I arrived there last night I felt completely out of place, and I fully felt the stares of the men around me. I wasn't looking to meet anyone in particular, just some friend that had happened to be there. I wonder often times if todd (brian) thinks about me ever. I don't know if he does, and to be honest I don't think he does. He's started to make himself more available to hang out with, and when I talk to him he almost sounds excited to talk to me. I lack much emotion lately because i've been so busy staying awake.

I wish Todd was like Tyler, and even more so I wish that he understood my idea of sincerity. That when I was at the top of the world, or so it felt that when I Was chanting it was meaning. I wasn't spouting off a speech on the isotope carbon levels rising, or my favorite habit or my worst. I was simply becoming one with that natural surrounding. I had this connection between me and the pile of rocks I stood upon. This connection didn't have anything to do with hearing, or eye sight, only touch. It was here that I felt energy transfered into myself that flaunted the idea of unity. I more-so now really understand what people care about and what people think about.

I'm glad the other guys got glam, they're there a lot and really take that bar personally and they i'm sure will do a good job with Saturday nights there. I'm sure I'll even attend it sometimes if going out is desired. What it really comes down to is if i'm aged enough to handle everything I want to do and learn. Many friends of mine would say so, i've been told that I am amazing at school and do an amazing job with it, but I think quite the opposite. I find a lack of focus in many times and a lack of knowledge looking back at previous times when I was studying a topic with vigor.

It's time to return to working and manage more of my time wisely. I hope that all is well my dear and I hope you understand that It isn't that I don't care or love you, it's just that i'm kind of stuck right now and I don't know if it's going to change soon.

fuqabortion @ 2007-08-15T14:46:00

2007-08-15T21:50:08Z

I haven't posted in a while.

Last night I went up to the top of Camelback mountain, not sober, but by the top was definitely sober. I had begun to chant while looking at the lights, and no one understood. I could hear the laughing from my drunken peers as I stood on this tall rock overlooking the east valley. I didn't care though, my focus couldn't be broken as I watched only the yellow lights flicker. I thought about how I wont ever remember this moment exactly how it was. The lightning that was striking down, the exact locations of street lights and freeways, the dark suburbs sleeping quietly. I wont ever be able to tell anyone exactly everything observed or heard or said at that very moment.

But I do remember thinking all of this, and crying not hard, but softly as I thought about how i'll never remember anything vividly that all of my previous memories are some what distorted, and scattered.

That makes me really upset.

fuqabortion @ 2007-07-29T21:29:00

2007-07-30T04:36:33Z

My tired hands feel shaky. They've spent the day gripping flesh of an unfamiliar soul whose had dreams of a bleak future. My body can't fight off the immunities that you have. I can't quit thinking about this. I can't quit typing because then i'll just sit and watch my hands shake over and over. I'm idle right now.

Minutes pass and the time has come for bed .I've gone home and you're still there jerking off to the idea of fucking women and chewing tobacco. I didn't understand your humor at first. When you would tell me things like "I wouldn't ever love a fagot like you." I believed you when you said that stuff. I cried when you told me you would cheat on me if the opportunity to be with a girl came up.I still lay here, slowly rubbing your chest hair and nipples. I kiss your neck, and you bite my shoulders.

I want to vomit whenever we talk about the world ending. I just want any arms.

fuqabortion @ 2007-07-28T07:25:00

2007-07-28T14:27:27Z

I have something I really am screaming at myself to talk about with someone.

But I can't.

I hate feeling any strong emotion, especially sadness and uselessness without having anyone there to sympathize with you.

I can't believe I did all of that. I can't believe I'm exactly what I never wanted to be.

fuqabortion @ 2007-07-26T16:55:00

2007-07-26T23:58:05Z

I've spent the last 3 hours crying. I've spent the last three hours dizzy, I've spent the last 3 days unable to focus on anything. Something is really wrong with my body and it took my mother 10 minutes to get me to stop crying so hard that she could understand me. I'm out of my mind, my body is falling apart. I am going to the emergency room very very soon.

I'm so fucking scared. Just leave me be, let me pass on or let me do whatever it is i'm supposed to do. I feel like it's been so long living in this shitty place. I hate everyone who has killed them selves or complained about their weight, or talked shit about me behind my back. I hate most of the people I say I love. I hate most of the people that I smile at at the bar. I hate most of the people I Work for, I hate most of my friends that always think I hate them becuase they don't call me and i haven't called them.

You loved him didn't you.

Don't lie to me.

breathe

2007-07-20T09:37:07Z

The rain kept us here, wet and naked under the moon light. I know most people have seen the videos about how the moon landing was faked. I know a lot of people think 9/11 is fake. That's fine, but i hope that the moon walk was fake. Mostly because the thought of someone stepping on that ball of rock that we look at almost every night that lights our misunderstood memories is creepy. To be the first "man to walk the moon" would be devastating. I mean does he later (now) look at the moon thinking "I've touched it?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neil_Armstrong

This man has been where we will never see up close. I guess that means I believe he walked on the moon, which brings a greater thought, why do I believe something that will make me scared? Why do we torture ourselves to create misery? I mean I'm a perfect case. Tragedy seems to loom every time I return home alone, Darkness crosses my shoulder and breathes down my neck as I order a drink for just myself, Clouds gloom over my bright personality as I go to see movies alone.

EXACTLY!
I create this emotion that doesn't really matter. I convey this "inconvenient" emotion through writing and debauchery created music, and these, hold in your gasps, dead conversations. I don't think meeting someone good will change me. I don't think that meeting someone good will make me happy. In fact; As most people that know me will tell you i'm an idiot for having an imagination and allowing myself to pretend that someone wakes up; not just once like sleeping beauty, but daily thinking about me, hoping that I slept well and asking what I look like when I sleep. That as I lay on my blanket at the park and my bag doesn't just have one sandwich but two! Two beautiful tofu turkey and lettuce sandwiches, two baggies of mixed fresh cut fruit, and two root beers (the bottled good kind). And when i'm tired of the sky I start singing songs to him, not the tree in front of me whose roots seem to tickle my feet. And i'm not the only one getting ant bites right on the spot that makes your favorite shoes fit funny and you don't wanna tell everyone it's because an ant bite, but you do anyways. And together we clean the little studio apartment which holds wooden floors, a fluffy bed (almost always made), a cute and well behaved puppy (because you trained it together and dog training lessons in a gay friendly pets mart), an HD tv for cuddling and watching indie hipster films on (as well as animaniacs and sex and the city on DVD), Lots of pictures of animals in the wild or hand drawn, friends (in the wild or boring), and urban decay (being stenciled or hand drawn). In this place we could spend hours, or days, or months huddled in some letter formation kissing foreheads and eskimo nose kisses, and perfect (clean) sex.

Now I think the reasoning that I do all of this emotion is because I place such a heavy set imagination on the idea of something "perfect". I know that i'm not perfect, and I know that whoever I meet isn't perfect, and that's okay. I just fear that i'll end up old and alone; like the people you meet on the internet and in trailer parks and shady apartments. I don't want to be settling because I'm not happy with myself or my life. I'm going to strive for exactly what I want, and work with what I get. That sounds so simple; but it's not. I struggle when I reach the times that I stumble into bed drunk or high and am caught by pillows, and unable to wrap the blanket around my feet so I can tuck it under my chin. I don't have warm arms tickling my back by running up and down it lightly with flesh on flesh taking away energy from me to help me fall asleep. I think then about how we would celebrate when one of us would have success; when holidays would come around. The times when you're the happiest you have ever been, single!

Imagine waking up with a beautiful person (inside and out) on Christmas morning. You would make breakfast, and eat it gathered around the tree. You would eat, play with the puppy, open his presents from santa, open your presents from santa and your mate, be nervous that you got them the perfect gift and that they didn't want it that much; and the truth is they don't.... They want to be there with you more than any present in the world. Then afterwards you go to the families' house and drink wine and tell stories about your year to everyone and listen to ones of when you were a growing up straight guy. Then go home and drink hot cocoa and fall asleep cuddling under a warm blanket in a room lit only by little fun colored lights and the patio light through some blinds. Imagine then waking up to breakfast in bed by him or her and a warm but patient and understanding kiss.

Those sort of days get multiple nights of thought because they're so important to each and every one of us.

So where do we go from here? Do we change and become more self empowering? Do we become cocky and LA? Do we end up in something fake?

I'm not sure.

make->shift

2007-07-18T09:43:02Z

Why is it so hard to do what you want to do? My entire life i've been told that I can achieve and do anything I want, it doesn't matter if others doubt me, if i'm fighting against the norm., or if i'm ever doubting myself.

I'm 21 years old and I still fear doing what I want to do. I want to find magic, take a risk, and live in harmony with my surroundings. Continuously I keep finding hidden truths and a lack of excitement rather than bright lights and loud laughter.

The time has come to go to sleep children, so gather in close and aloud i'll count the start outlined sheep.

oh the horror!

2007-07-17T23:48:53Z

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

It's not a laughing matter when someone criticizes you in a way that hurts your feelings, but remember that it may not be as intentional as it seems. It isn't always easy to hear the truth, especially when it's stated so matter-of-factly. Instead of hearing only the negative aspect of what's said, reframe it in a way that gives you somewhere positive to go with it.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH

pandabear holds my hear.

2007-07-17T02:10:40Z

There aren't any solidifying features to his stern face, well his chin
is solid like anyone's knees. I thought often about the past before
these recent weeks, but now my thoughts drift to the idea of green
fields and puppy love for all eternity. Its sort of pathetic how often I
catch myself day dreaming of cooler weather and warm arms. I fall asleep
engulfed in my comforter which feels cold as it wraps my wrists and
legs. I wake up with minimal time to prepare for work, with youth or
environment. I do all that I have to in order to make the world a better
place. I don't fear the worlds end in my time of life. I don't fear heat or
cold. I fear lonliness. As often as I drive out the negative thoughts, I
fear them greatly as they increasingly come back. It started one night
with this vivid dream of the color red.

Eventually this deep red transformed into a brilliant blue. The color
moved further and further away from me. It seemed to turn into walls and
my breath became visible like thick cigar smoke. My feet were chained to
infinite bamboo bars. My nose was flushing itself out by pouring blood and
snot onto my white shirt. Tears started forming under the pressure of my
nose. I felt an urge to vomit as my stomach was turning. My eyes rolled
to the back of my head. I black out.

I wake up in a white hospital room, with dreanched sheets. I had been
sweating. I woke up with this realization that I've been alone my entire
life, that friends and family don't promote growth like a lover. I lay
alone, no one comes. I get out of the hospital in this large city where
people speak in tongues that I don't understand. In hospital scrubs my
hands reach out at the sun light, at the people. No one sees me and I
feel invisible.

I actually woke up gripping a pillow and immediately started crying. Not
just for lonliness, but for the disappearence of anything familiar. I
realized I had passed out the night before, half naked on my shallow
bed. My friends had gone home and I woke up to bright light streaming in through my blinds. My arms felt dead as though the muscles had been tight all night.

Eventually through music of disgruntled youth I form a bond for the thought of a optimistic future. I gain this through the creation of my own music, strumming my own strings and vocal chords. I shout out angst of the undead and the bright sunlight.

My head is tired and my fingers feel numb.

fuqabortion @ 2007-07-14T03:03:00

2007-07-14T10:05:42Z

The night swallowed me whole, my toes last. I went out to the ocean side and saw the world open up. I spit out words too often.

done